Uncle Curmudgeon explains it all: The Kavanaugh-confirmation-hearings-global-warming nexus.

It isn’t often that someone generationally brilliant and perspicacious can “connect-the-dots” of seemingly disparate cultural-meteorological phenomena, but you saw it hear here first. The cultural phenomenon is the artifact(?) called the political and media roast Supreme Court confirmation hearings of Brett Kavanaugh, aka “privileged rich white guy sex fiend”. The meteorological phenomenon goes by a number of aliases, global cooling (sorry, that was the previous scare) warming, climate change, or total bilateral (both pockets) cashectomy of the United States, hmm. Lots of well meaning and sincere advocates on both sides of each controversy have failed to connect these phenomena….until now. So lean back in your self-driving Tesla, put your feet up on the touchscreen, enjoy your soymilk double- tall-extra whip-vanilla latte (ah heck, make it a venti, you only live once) or your joint or both, turn up your Spotify or apple carplay playlist and let your intrepid Uncle Curmudgeon guide you.
While the ostensible purpose of the hearings are to determine judge Kavanaugh’s fitness to be on the Supreme Court, most media pundits and probably your friends, next door neighbor, butcher, baker, and candlestick maker seem to want this trial to be about privilege and sex, specifically about how wealthy white males who went to elite schools when they were younger were really sex fiends who liked nothing better than assaulting young women, and how they are fuzzy on detail 36 years later. Considering this sort of thing happened in the distant past when women’s bathing suits actually covered their derrieres (or do I have to go back even further?), those guys had no excuse. Fast forward to 2018, and the age of global warming women’s bathing suits. Nowadays, going to the beach is an exercise in appearing to be looking everywhere but where you are surreptitiously really looking, and that is where? Glad you asked. For every burquini which covers Muslim women completely on the beaches of France, there are thousands of “glutinis” that reveal women’s buttocks, unintentionally I’m sure. Whether in Cannes, Miami or Hawaii, men are perfecting their “chameleon eyes”. They better! Because these women don’t want to be stared at as if their sartorial homage to global warming is stimulating lascivious thoughts. Men are so pathetic! And now, with the additional attention to male tumescence the hearings are generating, being caught staring at an uncovered gluteus maximus is not only uncouth, but downright criminal. Celebrities, professors, even your sister and your daughter are baring more than ever and if it isn’t to bring awareness to global warming, what is it about?
Far be it from me to speculate, plus I have no death wish. However, if I may be so bold, as the father of three beautiful daughters, to humbly offer a piece of advice to the modern beach-going woman, keep doing what you are doing if you want men to stare, or the more modest and polite among them to pretend to be chameleons. If you are offended by having private parts of your anatomy stared at, perhaps you should keep them private. But Uncle Curmudgeon, aren’t you implying that if I let my buns hang out, guys will not only stare but make gross jokes and be more likely to think they can take liberties with me?
Now if I may get serious for a moment, nothing I have joked about here is intended to justify sexual assault or unwanted advances, let alone rape. Rape and other sexual assaults can never be justified. However, certain men will take more liberties and make cruder remarks the more flesh a woman exposes. Other men, like me, will try to look away, surreptitiously look back again, and keep telling themselves “there’s nothing to see here.” Except there is; we will fail the nonchalance test. Why? Men will be men, meaning they are wired to be turned on by what they see, far more than women are. If a woman is baring her buns, men’s imaginations will be stimulated. That is how we are made. Men who want to respect women will try to practice the chameleon eye. Optometrists will be grateful for the business.

Author: iamcurmudgeon

When I began this blog, I was a 70 year old man, with a young mind and a body trying to recover from a stroke, and my purpose for this whole blog thing is to provoke thinking, to ridicule reflex reaction, and provide a legacy to my children.

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