Sorry to gross you out readers, but I am sitting in Starbucks, trying to finish a blog post, when in walks this 50+ year old mom in leggings that probably fit 30 pounds ago, but are now stretched so tight that the area around her gluteus Maximus (well named, in this case) is closer to white than the black of the rest of the leggings. Her 12 year old or so son is with her. As soon as they came in, I looked away. No need to embarrass her, or him. But then, while waiting for their drinks, she moseyed over and stood right in my line of sight, reading with great interest the bulletin board, which had adverts for a National Poetry Month event and dementia care training, while I studiously avoided looking up from my iPad.
Recently, another mom wrote an editorial about female modesty, specifically suggesting that the women students in tight leggings were quite a temptation for the men students at Notre Dame. Needless to say, she was then subjected to a Twitter storm of criticism. And you thought that Twitter storms were only started by The Donald! I don’t think the mom in front of me got the memo. I wasn’t going to weigh in on this issue, since I don’t attend Notre Dame, don’t want the attention, don’t want a plethora of comments accusing me of sexism, and I am a bad offender when it comes to surreptitiously ogling women in leggings. You can figure out which of those reasons is the real one.
Here I am, weighing in. Has anyone noticed that the trend in swimwear is that men’s bathing suits are getting bigger and longer, and women’s bathing suits are disappearing, except for burkinis? Last night, I watched some episodes of Amazon’s new series, Hanna. There was a scene in Morocco, at a beach, where this English teenager was wearing the requisite skimpy bikini, and a teenager from a nearby Muslim family was swimming in a garment that included a hood, and completely covered her body–a burkini. I was conflicted. On the one hand, being Christian, I feel guilty about sneaking a peek, and on the other I admire the commitment to modesty, even if overdone. On the third hand–since we aren’t actually talking about hands–I am plagued with testosterone, even at 72, making me a dirty old man, and my admiration for modesty is significantly challenged by my admiration for a fit female body. Burkinis don’t solve anything, unless they don’t get wet (if you don’t know what I mean then you have never seen a wet burkini–they’re made of quick drying material).
Voluntary modesty on the part of women would help, but cleaning my own mind up would help even more. However, I am not a problem. I’m old, disabled, unattractive, and prefer blogging to…..well, you know (couldn’t think of a sexual act that rhymes with blogging). The problem is that men are visually stimulated. Women less so. Most women don’t get it. The Notre Dame feminists took their opportunity to rail against the patriarchy, even though the editorial writer was a woman. Do these women really not understand what men are thinking? Or do they understand, and enjoy their power? Not to pick on Muslims here, former Grand Mufti of Australia Sheikh Taj el-din Al-Hilal, was being brutally honest when he compared extreme female exposure to “meat left out for cats.” He said he doesn’t blame the cats for going after the meat. Horrible, I know. But what is the point of leggings or tights in public? That mom I referenced in the beginning kept pulling her shirt down over the leggings, to no avail. Why wear them, or why not wear a longer shirt?
But such questions are not for me to answer. But the Babylon Bee says “While conventional wisdom has held that Bathsheba was bathing nude when King David saw her from his window, new analysis of the text indicates she was actually just headed out the door to run some errands while wearing leggings as pants, causing the king to stumble.
“Bathsheba was apparently headed out of the house and threw on some leggings rather than put on a pair of pants for some reason. When David saw her, he was unable to resist. He immediately sent inquiries around the kingdom asking who the women in the Aeropostale leggings was, and eventually called her up to him. Scholars found solid evidence of this theory in newly discovered manuscripts, while archaeologists confirmed this idea with their recent discovery of dozens of pairs of leggings in Bathsheba’s home.
“It seems that Bathsheba made the unwise decision to go shopping while wearing leggings as though they’re pants,” said one scholar. “This really clears up a lot of the questions surrounding the biblical narrative. I mean, Bathsheba bathing we didn’t really get, but with the leggings as pants? Makes perfect sense. Further analysis indicated that she was wearing Ugg boots and a North Face jacket.”