These are some of the items I am listing for sale on eBay for those who are tired of being merely angry and jealous about my white privilege, but are actually willing to spend some hard earned green to get more white.
- A 1 oz. bottle of the tears I cried yesterday when I read about how my white privilege is responsible for eons of POC oppression.
- An envelope of my finger and toenail clippings and strands of hair, which the enterprising criminal can leave at their crime scene to implicate me. No hay problema, Esteban, no old white male will ever be arrested. For those into voodoo, you can use those samples to put a curse on me. That won’t improve your whiteness, but might neutralize mine.
- A prosthetic penis containing my genuine non-purified white urine, or should I be more precise and say, the usual color urine excreted by a white guy. Available in a range of hues for any race. Yuck, why would someone buy such a disgusting item? Just ask any professional athlete, especially Lamar Odom.
- A large letter E with a magnetic base, in the same font as the entrance sign to Whitman College in Walla Walla, Washington. You can be known as the person who turned Whitman white. For the illiterate, the kit includes instructions to place the E between the T and the M. This college badly needs a big E. On the college website, they profile two students, “women of color”, who introduce their college experience with the phrase, “I’m a Whittie.” Hey ladies, don’t you mean “whitey?”
- Now if you find this blog post offensive and insulting, rather than satirical, I direct you to Jim Goad’s rant about white envelopes being the overwhelming color of choice of the USPS. The US Postal Service’s journey toward social justice will begin with one black envelope. Sure, we’ll have to buy white-ink pens so you can see the address, which is problematic in itself, because it subverts the whole “multicultural crayon” narrative, but together we can make it work. And while we’re at it, let’s deconstruct the patriarchal notion that we receive “mail.” Why must we submit and assume the receptive position as “mail” is delivered into our “boxes” and “slots”? Have you ever received “femail”? I think not! Instead of a “mailman” delivering your “mail,” let’s have “personpersons” delivering “person” to us in black envelopes. Then—and only then—will our society be halfway toward sanity.
You better act soon, as quantities of my tears and tissue are limited.