“March madness” is a nickname for the NCAA basketball tournament. I’m not sure that college basketball is the main attraction though. I think what turns casual viewers into fans is brackology. Even Barack Obama, when he was President of the United States, advertised his bracket picks. Coworkers, Presidents, members of the family with divergent opinions on everything, strangers in the bar, political opponents all could come together and compare brackets. Except for the usual suspects of rabid LGBTQ activists, Antifa and whiney angry safe-space seeking college reflex protesters, brackets brought people together. Therefore, allow me to present my solution to our pathetic national disunity, The Tournament of War.
All the nations in the world that have an actual military budget, even if they can afford only castoff Communist bloc armor, or present fake “latest technology next generation” mockups as real warplanes in press releases, are eligible to participate. After all, someone has to occupy the brackets at the margins, the “first round.” Each pair of militaries squares off in a battle, and the one with the best remaining fighting capability moves to the next bracket. Unlike treaties and other worthless pieces of paper, this bracketology is decisive. So who would be favored in each region?
Obviously, the West is the easy one. The United States is clearly the favorite. The East is the hardest to handicap, with Russia and China pretty well evenly matched. If only there was a north region, we could put Russia there alone. I suppose Europe could be considered the Midwest, and the EU, while not actually one country, still taxes and bureaucrats like a single nation. But Britain has the strongest military in the E.U. and wants out, so all the countries can square off against each other. The South is the weakest region. No one is scared of any militaries in Africa or South America, but drug cartels and Islamic militias have stronger militaries than the governments, so we will let them all fight as a unit. We can call it the Axis of Evil, to borrow a name from a former President.
Since we pretty much know that our country can dispatch every bracket up to the National semifinals without even breaking a sweat, especially as our opponents are all South region, we would have a golden opportunity to get rid of the drug cartels and Islamic militias before even facing a real opponent. But with either Russia or China weakened by facing each other in the regional finals, and the survivor them having to deal with a European survivor, I don’t expect much warfighting capability left by the time they face us. Face us they will, rather than yield, because what do we always do with a vanquished foe? We rebuild them! So bring on the brackets.