This morning, I visited my Ear, Nose and Throat specialist for a persistent sinus infection, and his nurse had a questionnaire for me. Since the office already had previous questionnaires on me, I only had to circle three new questions: what gender were you assigned at birth, what gender would you be considered now, what gender do you identify with? When I finished laughing, I asked what my gender had to do with my sinuses. She shrugged and mumbled something about the whole organization requiring these questions. Lest you think that the organization was just a local ENT practice, no. This organization operates in multiple states, and is one of the largest medical providers in the country. Needless to say, I thought the incident requires a post, because I was so inspired. Thus, presenting the Ultimate Sexual Identity questionnaire. Circle or underline the most appropriate response.
1. When you were born, what did the delivery team guess your sex to be? Male. Female. Transgender. They didn’t want to say it out loud for fear of losing their jobs. I don’t know what they said, that was before I could understand English.
2. When you were in kindergarten, what did you think when your teacher asked you to identify with a gender? What’s a gender? What does identify mean? Why is your hand inside my pants? Why does my class have their phones out? Oh, you mean my sex!
3. Once you were old enough to understand English, did you play “doctor” with other kids? Yes, fully dressed, it wasn’t that interesting. Yes, with underwear pulled down, but interrupted by a severe spanking. No, we just looked through National Geographic magazine. No, the sex education videos made that game unnecessary.
4. In high school, what gender expressions excited you the most? The most clearly opposite sex. Any of them, even in a burqa when the hormones were raging. None, Playboy Magazine was quite adequate. The guys wearing dresses and falsies. The girls who didn’t need falsies.
5. If visitors from another planet landed on your college campus, what would you want to know about their gender expression? Say what? Can I peek under your carapace? Nothing, I was too busy running from their death ray after that last question. Have you checked in with the campus diversity and inclusion office?
6. If Trump is re-elected, what will happen to the diversity of gender expressions? Everyone, regardless of sex, will be required to wear their hair in a combover. All 51
flavorsgenders will be required to shave their heads, so his hair will be the longest. Without importing clothing from China, no one will be able to afford gender expressions. Nothing, the president has no power to control that.
7. Which statement about sex and gender is correct? Sex is usually under the sheets, in private. Gender is less disgusting than sex, because no fluids are involved. Sex is less confusing than gender, because 2 is a smaller number than 51. Gender is less confusing than sex, because there is only one acceptable position.
8. When you were running for your life from the alien death ray, what were your thoughts about gender? I’m glad I have testosterone, it helps me run faster. If I were a woman, could I appeal to the alien’s sense of chivalry not to zap me? If I were transgender, could I appeal to the alien’s fear of being transphobic? Gender politics was not uppermost in my mind at that moment.
I may be on a roll here, but that knocking on my door sounds a little limp wristed, and I fear it’s the gender police, so I’ll end here. I forgot to load my new .38 Special revolver.