I tell folks who have not read this blog that it’s satirical, but that’s not quite true, well it is for some posts but not others, when I’m in the mood, which from reading a lot of recent posts, I realize doesn’t strike me that often…..okay, I’m lying when I call it satirical, well not quite lying, more like exaggerating, which isn’t really lying is it, because my intentions are good, if satire is good, unless it offends…By now you’re saying, “he’s gone bonkers, he can’t make up his mind.” How can I make up my mind when I lost it back in 2016? How can Donald Trump be President of the greatest—well, formerly greatest according to MAGA, or the worst if you’re a Democrat—country in the world?
Electing Donald Trump President is as bad as my buying Amazon stock for $34/share back in 1998, then selling it for $39/share the next year, instead of holding it, unless you believe that Hillary would have been worse, which I certainly do. This whole rambling prologue is leading up to the funniest line I have read in years. If you’re a regular reader of this blog—don’t you have anything productive to do with your time? Be that as it may, or really, be that as it is, you know that I love Takimag.com, and especially Jim Goad, who wrote the funny line to which I am alluding. So after my confession about the dearth of satire in my satirical blog, I thought I would rectify it, which might make some people think I am alluding to sodomy, which is the joke I was alluding to. I promise not to use the word alluding again in this post, but here’s the item from Jim Goad:
If it ever seems as if white people invented almost everything, that is because white people are racist and kept other races down from inventing things. To help rectify this—and in case you were wondering, rectification has nothing to do with what is classically known as “sodomy”—the private Massachusetts-based liberal-arts academy known as Williams College is hosting a science and technology symposium that is open only to students of color. The event’s official call for papers has invited scholars to submit only if they come from a “historically underrepresented group,” which they go on to explain covers the following clusters of poor and huddled masses: African Americans, Alaska Natives, Arab Americans, Asian Americans, Latinx, Native Americans, Native Hawaiians, and other Pacific Islanders. What the hell is a “Latinx,” is that X-rated latins (or hispanics)?
The school also announced that “we aim to create an inclusive, intellectually enriching experience for all involved, including the visiting speakers and the faculty and students of Williams.” If you don’t know what “inclusive” means, it’s a word that signifies anything that excludes white people. Jim should have added “heteronormative, cisgender, and Trump voters” after the word “exclude” (that sounds pretty close to allude, which I promised not to write, but it’s really different). I should also add, that since it’s illegal to exclude anyone based on “group” characteristics, and applicants were asked to write a couple sentences proving themselves as a member of a “historically underrepresented group”, Williams provides an equal employment opportunity statement that people from all backgrounds are welcome…..even though they really aren’t. Good to know that Williams is following the “letter” of the law!
As if this weren’t enough madness for one day (and Sunday, to boot), comes this item from The Guardian (I can never figure out what they are guarding): Earlier this month, after waking up to find an unwelcome dick pic in her Twitter account’s DMs, web developer Kelsey Bressler, 28, co-created an AI filter she claims is capable of preventing over 95% of sexually explicit images from reaching her inbox. To test the filter, Bressler solicited pictures of male genitalia en masse, receiving hundreds to the trial account @ShowYoDiq, “for science” .(Bressler is unsure of the exact final number of volunteer pics because she is still processing them manually and many respondents jokingly messaged her pictures of Donald Trump, which she must now weed out). Okay Kelsey, how are you “processing” them manually, or is that something you wish you could do with the real thing? Or not….Jim Goad again (because police are looking at all sorts of ways to criminalize this practice): “Then again, if your penis is so unattractive that it would impel someone to call the police and send you to jail merely for forcing them to look at it, you might want to consider genital cosmetic surgery before sending your next dick pic.” Ha ha.
Proving that public servants can be just as satirical as yours truly and Jim Goad, last year councilman Joseph Borelli, a Republican from Staten Island, co-sponsored a bill (yet to pass) that would make cyberflashing–sharing nudes via Apple’s AirDrop feature, which allows people to anonymously send content to other devices within a 10-meter radius–punishable by up to a $1,000 fine or one year in jail. “In the old days, you had to have a long trench coat and good running shoes,” Borelli told the New York Times. “Technology has made it significantly easier to be a creep.” Sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. I’m not done yet demonstrating the bottomless ingenuity of homo sapiens (we might want to consider getting rid of the “ien” part): Companies are able to defend their refusal to protect victims by citing Section 230 of the Communications Decency Act (CDA), which, because they are not technically publishers, absolves them of responsibility for the content their users share. Lawyer Carrie Goldberg recently told the Guardian that the CDA “is the enabler of every asshole, troll, psycho and perv on the internet”. Every? I haven’t used that excuse yet. If Kelsey can solicit pics of male you know what “for science”, why can’t I solicit pics of female you know what for the same reason? Nope, that’s a gateway drug to prostitution.
My final sally for this morning is my submission to the Williams technology summit: “I am a caucasian cisgender heteronormative male, and as such have been historically underrepresented on welfare rolls, affirmative action programs, racial set-asides, and calls for reparations!!! Since you asked for a couple of sentences, this is it.”