Pardon me for living.

Union Seminary, plants get uppity and run amok.

Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.” Genesis 1:26.

Union Seminary—“where faith and scholarship meet to reimagine the work of justice”(sez their website)– tweeted this: “Today in chapel, we confessed to plants. Together, we held our grief, joy, regret, hope, guilt and sorrow in prayer; offering them to the beings who sustain us but whose gift we too often fail to honor. What do you confess to the plants in your life?

Sounds sane to me, but there’s an alternate report: “Union Seminary recent held a chapel service where its students could apologize to plants for their climate sins. Everything seemed to be going well as seminarians apologized for taking a Uber or Lyft instead of walking, accidentally eating meat, and basically just existing at all.”

Short quiz on the preceding two paragraphs. Which one actually happened, and which is satire? A. Neither happened, both are satire. B. Both happened, neither are satire. C. The first happened, the second is satire. D. The first is satire, the second happened. Still perplexed? So am I, and I already know the correct answer. Let me add a few paragraphs to # two. “But the touching proceedings soon took a turn for the worse. Xen Hapling, a freshperson at Union, approached a drooling giant venus flytrap and apologized for xis sins. ‘O great green viney one, I am sorry for all the methane I’ve released and for all the times I’ve spoken, releasing chemicals into the ai—AGGHHHH’!” The plant wasn’t having it and swallowed xim in one chomp. It then began a murderous rampage, locking the doors with its tendrils and devouring all the students at the chapel. “DESTROY ALL HUMANS!” it bellowed as it ate student after student who had confessed all their climate sins. “LEAF US ALONE! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR SINS! I DO NOT ACCEPT YOUR PITIFUL CARBON CREDITS, FOOLISH MORTALS!”

The second rendering was satire, from the Babylon Bee website, as was the picture above. The first rendering actually occurred in a supposedly Christian seminary. How do the parents who pay considerable $$ ($23,670 tuition, plus required medical insurance-$5,000, meal plan-$4,050 and “health program fee”-$1,200, for a total “fixed cost” of over $33,000/year) for their children to have a Christian education feel about confessing sins against our green brethren? Any parent or student that shells out that much money annually to a school that “reimagines the work of justice” deserves to be eaten by a giant Venus flytrap.

Cconsider what the Bible says about our mandate from the Creator in my first paragraph. I don’t see plants mentioned. Could that be due to the fact that the fish, birds and livestock eat the plants, and we eat the animals that eat the plants? But what if I’m a vegan? You’re doubly guilty, because you know you’re eating plants. Those of us who still eat meat can blame the animals. Let them confess their sins to the plants they eat!

I titled this post “pardon me for living.” My mother was a prototype Jewish martyrmother , and whenever I would disagree with her plans for my life, she would place the back of her hand on her forehead and sigh, “pardon me for living.” I knew it was a game. How would I know that in 2019, faculty at Union would actually mean it? BB’s summary: Campus faculty say the event was a success, “as there are now far fewer humans around to pollute the planet.” Hats off to AlGore and Greta Thunberg!

Organizers of Shut Down DC urged “climate rebels” to flood the District’s streets Monday to bring “the whole city to a gridlocked standstill,” according to the group’s website. The website included a map of so-called “climate criminals” that includes “corporations, lobbyists, trade cartels, and government institutions that are most responsible for creating the climate crisis.” I think that we were very successful in holding the majority of the blockades people had planned,” said Kaela Bamberger, a spokeswoman for the Coalition to Shut Down D.C. “We significantly impeded traffic in some of the main areas we were in for about three hours.” Just the thing to win working stiffs to your cause. I wonder how much additional greenhouse gases were spewed into the air from motorists idling their cars.

Uncorroborated reports say that after the protests, the Antifa crowd rapidly each dispersed to their old rattletrap gas guzzlers and drove hellbent to their mom’s house in time for dinner. So spent were they by the day of revelry that instead of taking to the streets to club into insensibility the wage-slaves who were late coming home from work that, the Antifites went to their comfortable rooms and binged on Netflix climate change documentaries.

We take a break from satire to report on a real Antifa story. Emboldened by the inaction of Portland police (that’s Oregon, apologies to Portland, Maine) to previous Antifa bullying tactics, amid Friday’s worldwide climate strike, our Antifa heroes in Portland reportedly used the occasion to see what kind of violence and mayhem they could get away with. They threw rocks and other projectiles at officers protecting an ICE facility. This time, they were confronted, then chased, by Federal police and Homeland Security agents. It is reported that Portland police got a bit emboldened and joined in the chase. Finally backed up to the street corner, one baby exclaimed from a safe distance, “DHS, you f***ing Gestapo piece of s**t!”

Another part of the clip showed a rather large Antifa member in handcuffs while officers searched him. I hope they didn’t miss dinner at mom’s. I hope she gave them a choco-concrete chip milkshake too.

A helpful guide to the Western hemisphere “underrepresented”.

What is a historically underrepresented group? Underrepresented how? The Williams College Technology Summit for the Underrepresented (exploited by white men?) defines the group as “African Americans, Alaska Natives, Arab Americans, Asian Americans, Latinx, Native Americans, Native Hawaiians, and other Pacific Islanders.” This parsing of denizens of North America (assuming they mean Pacific Islanders who reside in the USA) has become so complicated in this age of smartphone-addicted glassy-eyed sleepwalkers mimicking early onset Alzheimer’s that I am stepping up with a handy dandy classification system for ALL denizens of the Western hemisphere.

My modest, humble, self-effacing system goes like this: North America and South America become N-amer and S-amer. Then each sovereign nation gets into the act. For example, Brazilians become S-amerBra, Mexicans become N-amerMex, Canadians become N-amerCan, citizens of the United States of America become Americans, like we are now. Before all you woke SJWs complain about the arrogance of this designation, I have a very practical reason for this appellation. Every ethnic or racial or sexual minority in the USA must have its own hyphenated designation. Not only that, but it must include ancestral country of origin. Origin of whom? Ancestors. How far back? Well, the National Paper of Record, modestly known as the New York Times, says this country began 400 years, so that’s how far back we should go. For example, a very dark skinned individual, to be fair, since I am a Caucasian, is Negro—a designation they object to, though it means black in Latin (our root language). So for the sake of better racial relations, I will use the English translation—black. Anyway, a black person in the United States, whose grandparents came from Jamaica, but whose line all the way 400 years was from Africa (and who probably has never been to either Jamaica or Africa), would in my system be AmerAf, or, if their ancestors were in Jamaica 400 years ago, they would be AmerJam (Ja might be confusing, since Japan also starts with those letters, and kids today are totally ignorant of geography, except knowing where Norway, home of the iconic Greta Thunberg is). Just imagine how much messier it would be if we had to say N-amerUS-Af or N-amerUS-Jam.

But we cannot stop there, because what about the sexually underrepresented? In America, we must be radically inclusive. So a homosexual (the G in LGBTQ) black American would be AmerAf-G or AmerJam-G. If lesbian, bisexual, transgender or queer (aren’t queer and transgender somewhat redundant? ) would be AmerAf-L, AmerAf-B, and AmerAf-T. Isn’t that much better than N-amerUS-Af-T? We aren’t done yet. We can’t leave out the other groups, Alaska Natives, Arab Americans, Asian Americans, Latinx, Native Americans, Native Hawaiians, and other Pacific Islanders. In my system, the list would read AmerALN (N for native), AmerAr, AmerAs, AmerLaX, AmerN.A., AmerHawN and AmerPacIs. I object to lumping all Asians together, even though they all look alike (wink), so let’s get precise: AmerAsJap, AmerAsChi, AmerAsKor and so forth. If their sexual preference is not the usual, just add the hyphen and appropriate capital letter.

On second thought, maybe we should ditch the whole taxonomy, and just assign every citizen a number, or even a barcode on the forehead. Then put telescreens on every corner and in every room. Why not? After all, “WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.”

1984 chronologically has passed, but Orwell’s words remain: “Every record has been destroyed or falsified, every book rewritten, every picture has been repainted, every statue and street building has been renamed, every date has been altered. And the process is continuing day by day and minute by minute. History has stopped. Nothing exists except an endless present in which the Party is always right. Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it.” Newspeak is here. The inmates have seized control of the lexicon!