I haven’t written for a couple of weeks. A “routine” biopsy for cancer cells, done October 17, ended up the stuff of nightmares. An infection followed, then other stuff. Getting out of bed is a major chore. I don’t know when, or if, I will recover enough energy to function. If the worst happens, and the Lord takes me to Him, I will bless the name of the Lord. The harder choice is living like I feel now, but I put myself in His hands regardless. Revelation 21 reminds me of what awaits. But hidden behind the clouds of suffering is, perhaps, the answer to the biggest questions of life: Why am I even here? Why do I exist? Why should I continue to exist if I have no purpose except to consume enough to stay alive? Therefore, why should I remain alive?
No, I am not suicidal. Every time I go to the V.A. hospital, or now, when the visiting nurse comes, they are required to ask, “do you have thoughts of harming yourself?” I answer no, because I don’t, but the thoughts I do have—the questions I ask myself—would alarm them. Today I read the following meditation by Charles Spurgeon.
“God is a good paymaster; he pays his servants while at work as well as when they have done it; and one of his payments is this: an easy conscience. If you have spoken faithfully of Jesus to one person, when you go to bed at night you feel happy in thinking, “I have this day discharged my conscience of that man’s blood.” There is a great comfort in doing something for Jesus. Oh, what a happiness to place jewels in his crown, and give him to see of the travail of his soul! With every soul you bring to Christ, you get a new heaven upon earth. But who can conceive the bliss which awaits us above! Oh, how sweet is that sentence, “Enter thou into the joy of thy Lord!” Do you know what the joy of Christ is over a saved sinner? This is the very joy which we are to possess in heaven. Yes, when he mounts the throne, you shall mount with him. When the heavens ring with “Well done, well done,” you shall partake in the reward; you have toiled with him, you have suffered with him, you shall now reign with him; you have sown with him, you shall reap with him; your face was covered with sweat like his, and your soul was grieved for the sins of men as his soul was, now shall your face be bright with heaven’s splendor as is his countenance, and now shall your soul be filled with beatific joys even as his soul is.”
I have the option: be a sourpuss, lament my “unfair” suffering, be an off-putting example of a son of Christ, or be joyous in this minor inconvenience while sharing the reason for being joyous. I choose the latter.