The Babylon Bee takes their satire seriously. Here are four headlines for today. Bernie: ‘We Must Seize The Means Of Toilet Paper Production‘: The presidential candidate has also promised to enact efficient, government-run toilet paper lines if elected president. “My fellow Americans, can you spare a square?” he asked his loyal followers.
Drug Cartels Switch To Producing Hand Sanitizer: It’s the hottest product on the streets right now,” said Carlos “13-ball” Lopez, a dealer in Albuquerque. “Everyone’s hooked on it — we got grandmas, housewives, even school kids wanting a taste. Your first hit is free but after that you’re ours, yo.” Hey, kid, want a squirt of hand sanitizer?” he then said to a passing youngster. “This one’s on me.”
One cartel has begun producing what the DEA is calling the purest, most addictive hand sanitizer yet, “Blue Sky.” The Blue Sky hand sanitizer kills 99.99999% of germs, while less pure versions of the drug only kill 99.9% of germs and bacteria. “The spread of this dangerous new gateway drug is an epidemic,” said a DEA agent as he held aloft a small plastic baggy containing a small drop of Blue Sky hand sanitizer. “Just last week, we stopped a truck destined for a chicken restaurant here in New Mexico, but the buckets of chicken actually contained thousands of kilos of hand sanitizer.”
In order to fully appreciate the last paragraph, you would have to have watched the tv series Breaking Bad, because the most addicting new meth—produced by high school chemistry teacher Walter White—was blue, and shipped in trucks purportedly delivering fried chicken batter to the “legitimate” business—pollo hermanos—owned by the drug kingpin, Gus Fring.
Americans Rejoice As News Finally Not All About Trump: The long national nightmare of every single day being dominated by news about Donald Trump has finally come to an end, as the top news story for the past week has been about a pandemic threatening lives and the economy. The news coverage of the coronavirus has taken a turn for the worse, though, as constant news reports of Trump’s reaction to coronavirus have begun to spread and could infect all news coverage by the end of the week.
The true bottom line is this. Latest Numbers On Coronavirus: 100% Of World Still Under God’s Control: WORLD—The latest data on the spread of the coronavirus has come in, and the results are clear: 100% of the earth is still under God’s dominion. Remarkably, this data is very similar to researchers’ findings during the Fall of Rome, Black Plague, Holocaust, Spanish flu, swine flu, bird flu, and every other time of turmoil humanity has faced. No matter what the specific plague or time of suffering, research has always pointed to the fact that God is sovereign and bends the thread of history to His will for His glory. A connection was also found between placing your faith in Christ and not having to worry about death by coronavirus or any other kind of death, as we are destined for another world. He sees the sparrow and clothes the lilies of the field, so why do you freak out? “And seriously, stop buying all the toilet paper!”