Don’t suppress your gag reflex–it may be telling you the truth.

Patrick Fagan, writing in, in a piece titled Don’t We All Wear Masks?, presented some thought provoking ideas: “In London, an analysis of touchscreens in McDonald’s found that every single one had a trace of feces. Antipollution masks are set to reach $4.8 billion worldwide by 2025. Political psychologists have theorized that conservatism may be a “behavioral immune system” that protects groups from threats. When people experience disgust or feel vulnerable to infection, they endorse conservative politics; for example, respondents in one study scored more conservatively when completing the survey next to a hand sanitizer. In countries with higher incidence of parasites, people tend toward conformity, loyalty, and purity. Conservatism is rising across the Western world; in a behavioral sense, we can expect to see more face masks, fewer handshakes, and more stockpiling of toiletries.

Did you notice an (however slight) inclination to gag when you read the sentence about the McDonald’s touchscreens?

Indi Samarajiva, writing in Medium, has titled his piece White People, You Need To Wash Your Butts. Okayyyy…. Here is part of it, specifically intended for low melanin citizens. My disrespectful comments are in bold.Now, I mention white people in the headline here not to pick on them, but it is curious that unwashed butts seem to be concentrated in the US, UK, northern Europe, and Australia; AKA white people majority areas. The further south you go in Europe the cleaner the butts.” (Before allowing him to continue, it is only fair to ask, “dude, is that last sentence anecdotal, or do you have extensive experience butt-inspecting, like a doctorate in proctology or years as a colonoscopy tech? And how do you know the concentration of unwashed butts anyway?)

I didn’t understand this when I lived in America, but you need to wash your butt after you poop. You can’t just wipe it until the paper looks clean. (Obviously you’ve missed the whole point, or should I say the hole point, if your toilet paper ever looks clean). Like the metric system, the rest of the world has mostly figured this out. In Japan, sophisticated toilets wash and dry their butts while playing music. (What is a sophisticated toilet? Or are their butts paying the music? If so, we have a sophisticated name for that music–flatulence, or farts, if you’re syllable-phobia like me). In Muslim societies, for centuries they have used a lota, a pot of water, and now use modern amenities. In almost every Sri Lankan household there is a simple hand-bidet, what I call a bum gun. Then of course the French invented bidets, a word which actually means small horse, and people have ridden that through Southern Europe and across the world. At the minimum, most people in the world will at least have a plastic vessel to wash their butts. Personally, I love the hand bidet. It’s fun and effective, and quite common where I live. (Dude, if blasting your bum with a waterjet is your idea of fun, I would hate to see your idea of torture). What I’ve discovered, however, is that are different tactical applications of the bum gun. I spray and then wipe/dry with toilet paper. Some people spray and then wash their butts with their hand and soap. The strategy, however, remains the same. Use water. To wash your butt.Let’s see, are you saying that butt-washing makes Muslim societies, Sri Lanka and Southern European countries cleaner than the U.S.?Some people spray and then wash their butts with their hand and soap? Those must be the ones that fecal-up the McDonalds’ screens.

Since Covid-19 is top of the mind for everyone, and laughter has been proven to be good medicine (Readers Digest has had a feature forever called “laughter the best medicine”, so it must be true, right?), I want my readers to suggest funnier captions than mine. The herd instinct is alive and all too prevalent:

We’ve run out of bullets, so we will throw TP rolls at the zombies, anonymously…..

Okay, I get “social distancing” but Costco running a special on TP? Who passes that up?
Oh, my kingdom for a shopping cart!
Someone never learned the rule “put your toys back when you are done”, as a child.
Someone is out there going for the “Guinness Book of Records” for largest omelet ever.
Now we know the secret to the Lamborghini Huracan Performante acceleration!
They don’t call me the “king of wipes” for nothing!
“Social distancing” means a shopping cart length between us, right?
I read somewhere that a milk bath cures Covid-19…..or was that eczema?
Seattle’s “self quarantine” food of choice….dried beans. Hell = dried beans + a room full of people with nowhere to go.
Gee officer, I was so distracted by a family buying pallets of hand sanitizer that I lost control of my car and ran over them. ISIS? Not me.
What do you mean, “there’s no alcohol in kids’ cough syrup”? I was hoping to use it on my hands!
If only you could eat Exergen thermometers! I wonder if he thinks you have to throw the thermometer away after each use.
Yeah, stick 8 rolls in the oven, out comes a pizza….first cauliflower crust, now this. Or is this a commentary on Australian currency?
If Indi Samarajiva had his way, hand-bidets would be stocked instead of T.P.
Maybe I have a REALLY BIG family….
Yes, there are Costco’s in Shanghai, China and no, they don’t observe halloween. In New York City, no one would even look twice…..and that’s pre-virus.