I just stole my title from Jim Goad’s post on Takimag.com called don’t cough on me, bro. In fact, I have stolen most of his post and now present it to you. Prepare to “hate” a few “covidiots”.
The Department of Justice recently issued a memo about COVID-19 implying that “Threats to intentionally infect other people” could be classified as terrorism. Of course, it’s never “terrorism” when the government scares everyone, which is basically what they do for a living. Any government that fails at keeping its citizens constantly terrified is quickly overthrown. But on this one small point I can agree—at a time when almost everyone is on edge, anyone who purposely tries to amplify the fear should be squashed like a bug.
In Missouri, a 26-year-old man has been arrested and charged with making terroristic threats for licking food items at a Walmart while saying “Who’s afraid of the coronavirus?,” then uploading the video to YouTube. In Illinois, a man has been arrested after coughing on both food and people at a supermarket while recording himself. A group of “juveniles” in Virginia has been arrested for coughing on supermarket produce and uploading the videos to social media.
A Pennsylvania man is facing charges after reportedly laughing while coughing in an elderly, mask-wearing man’s face at a supermarket and telling him he has the coronavirus. Two New York State women have been arrested after allegedly coughing on employees and telling them they had coronavirus, then pepper-spraying employees when they ran outside to catch their license-plate number. A Wisconsin woman was banned from a supermarket after licking a freezer handle and claiming it was a form of “protest” against the pandemic. A Missouri man was taken into custody after allegedly coughing at customers and writing “COVID” on a cooler at a Dollar Tree store. In Minnesota, a man was arrested because according to a police statement: The man became frustrated using the self-checkout lane and coughed on a white female employee who tried to help him. The employee quickly backed away….A black male employee intervened, and that’s when the man said that racial minorities, namely blacks and others of Asian descent, are to blame for the coronavirus pandemic.
In upstate Pennsylvania, a supermarket was forced by police to toss out $35,000 worth of produce after a woman coughed all over it as part of a “twisted prank.” The same viral behavior has replicated itself at stores in New Mexico, Texas, North Carolina, and New Jersey.
I’m always bemused to see people who have nervous breakdowns at imaginary crimes such as “misgendering” who think they’d be able to handle the murderous stress of being a cop for even a minute, much less a lifetime. And naturally, since they’re one of the few groups who absolutely have to be out in public right now witnessing people lose their minds in real time, cops are being spat upon left and right.
In Denver, a woman who was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving after allegedly plowing into four parked cars reportedly spit in a police officer’s face and said, “There’s some corona for you, now all you need is a lime.” In Manchester, England, a man has been jailed for six months after coughing on a police officer and telling him, “I am Covid and I am going to cough in your face and you will get it. A 20-year-old New Jersey man has been arrested for aggravated assault and making terroristic threats after not only kicking police, but coughing and spitting on them while claiming he has the coronavirus. In Florida, 23-year-old Christian Perez made things worse for everyone after being stopped for reckless driving and then coughing in officers’ faces while saying he had COVID-19. “I have the coronavirus and I hope you have it now,” a Texas woman allegedly barked to a state trooper after coughing on him when he’d dared to arrest her for outstanding warrants. A Pennsylvania woman has been arrested for removing her face mask and intentionally coughing in an officer’s face four times. In New Jersey, a woman who was arrested for drunk driving allegedly coughed on an officer and told him, “Oh, by the way, I have the coronavirus and so do you now.”
As if hospital workers aren’t facing enough terror right now, a fat and ugly Maryland man who has COVID-19 has been arrested after allegedly coughing on several hospital workers and saying it didn’t matter because no one cared about him, anyway. Even more bizarrely, a Connecticut doctor has been arrested for purposely hugging and coughing on nurses at his hospital. A Colorado man who says he was “stressed” after losing his job and “aggravated” about how people were responding to the crisis apparently thought it would be a good idea to cough in an elderly woman’s face after she asked him to maintain a safe distance from her on a hiking trail.
A Rhode Island middle-school teacher is being investigated after tweeting that she would pay people who were infected with coronavirus to cough on Donald Trump. A New York man named Baruch Feldheim who has been arrested for allegedly hoarding nearly 200,000 medical masks also reportedly coughed on FBI agents while claiming he had COVID-19. Two Pennsylvania men have been arrested after a gas-station incident where one of them scolded the other for coughing in public without covering his mouth, then allegedly drove his car into the man, who then allegedly fired four shots at the man’s car.
On March 21, a Detroit bus driver recorded an eight-minute video that went viral in which he complained about passengers wantonly coughing in public: We out here as public workers, doing our jobs, trying to make an honest living to take care of our families, but for you to get on the bus and stand on the bus and cough several times without covering up your mouth…that lets me know that some folks don’t care. Utterly don’t give a fuck, excuse my language. Less than two weeks later, the driver was dead of complications from COVID-19.
Thankfully, here in Spokane, most of the people I encountered at the Safeway and Trader Joe’s have taken to wearing masks, whereas last week I saw hardly any. My physical therapist’s office just decided to require all patients and the staff to wear masks. About time.
Do you wonder “where did all these stupid asinine people come from?” I suggest you watch Fail Army, on YouTube. We might as well get a few laughs while we wait for what’s next. https://www.youtube.com/user/failarmy